i don’t know if it was because of the dreary weather, but today i just felt hopeless. listless and lost in limbo, i was stuck in my own head and kept bringing myself down.
it’s been months since i’ve been on the pole, and it’s been too easy to make excuses instead of getting back into it. i’ve lost a lot of strength during my time away, and now that i’m home, i’m tied up with an erratic work schedule. i was semi-hesitant to start pole dancing again, but i decided that today would be the day.
i was already feeling down when i got there. it was an intermediate/advanced class, and i’m not at that level in terms of strength. my inverts are messy and my aerial inverts are nothing short of abysmal. i popped out my shoulder on the first – and only day – i landed my shoulder mount, so that’s out of the question until i’ve conditioned properly. i tried not to compare myself to the other girls who were so fluid and graceful and strong and powerful.
“don’t be too hard on yourself, you’re just coming back after a long time away,” my teacher told me as i struggled with a chopper-invert-outside leg hang-cupid-figurehead combo that everybody else nailed effortlessly. i nodded, but even i couldn’t mask my disdain with an attempted smile. i feel like she saw right through it in seconds.
“you promise?” she knows.
“no,” i say.
there was this one trick in the combo that i’d always wanted to learn: the cupid. i haven’t worked on flexibility in a long time and my hip protested as i tried to make it stretch almost parallel to the pole. i was pretty pleased with it, and my happiness only increased as we started freestyling. it has only been within the past year that i’ve given freestyling a try, as it’s never been my first nature – i’m not a dancer and i’ve never been formally trained other than with pole.
freestyling today was such a release. i felt like i was flying around the pole and my hair was whipping and my dips and pirouettes were beautiful because i’ve practiced them many a time, and oh isn’t that what you must do should you wish to excel at something, my dear?
i was so sore when i got home. so sore, but happier than i’ve felt in days.